I have been asked on several occasions on how Marriage and D/s works for Kuma and I especially since we entered into a vanilla relationship (with serious kink overtones) and progressed eventually into BDSM.
People asked if it wasn't difficult to make the transition. I have known couples who are married who started out first as Master and submissive instead of working their way into it. It was a challenge as marriage breeds familiarity and comfort. You become best friends, lovers, pals, and of course the bedroom sex.
Now bring in the dynamics of D/s, and everything changes. Your must learn to respect one another, new boundaries are drawn, new rules that have never been challenged are in place. Some, like us, have a contract that I must follow. It takes time, it is not something that happens overnight. Because there were no rules, no "roles" if you will, in place at the beginning of the relationship a lot of habits have to be unlearned.
A lot of patience and communication comes into play. Does that mean you have become two different people in a marriage? Yes and no. You still have the basic foundation of your marriage, the reason why you both have entered into this lifelong commitment, you still have your friendship, yes you still have that love, but subtle changes occur.
Respect, rules, allowing the other to fully take charge of your life, giving up control, are just a few things that have changed and oh did I mention respect? It didn't happen overnight, we experimented with different ways to live the Lifestyle, punishments, playing, protocol, until we found what works for us. If it didn't work one way, we sat down and discussed what would.
Yes there were times, alot of times, where I balked even though I wanted to be dominated. It confused the heck out of Kuma, but thank goodness for his patience. Why did I change my mind about being dominated? Actually I didn't, I was just being a petulant child. It's hard giving up total control over to someone else, especially when you enter into D/s and are transitioning from vanilla over to chocolate. Old ways have to be unlearned and that in itself takes time. Instantaneous results do not occur overnight like we all want, if that did happened, we would burn out on the Lifestyle in a heartbeat.
Slow and steady is the course to take. We have all the time in the world, we are in a committed marriage in for the long run. Yes you do take three steps back to the one step forward at times, but like anything that is worthwhile, it's alot of hard work and the rewards are sweet.
Fortunately for the two of us, we have managed to meld our marriage and lifestyle together quite nicely, as they are intertwined at many levels. The strength and understanding works in both worlds, and the depth and understanding of ourselves and others is irreplaceable. We are truly blessed in a lot of ways
© shani*{K}
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